The day is grey, cold and chilly. My mood is grey too. I feel stagnant. Caught in a space where there seems no escape. Boredom creeps in. The mind is numb. Nope not numb, actually is burning feverishly; hashing and rehashing the past and the present. Can’t find a way out! The picture I painted in my childhood is so different. Colorful, bright, full of hope! Not this grey celluloid. I can’t recognise any of the landscape. Hell I can’t recognise myself.
Where is I? The one who had infinite courage, the strength, the dreams, the hope, the vision. I seem to have lost myself somewhere in the path. The path has been treacherous. Deaths, disappointments galore! Melancholy!!
Fag end of the day and Suddenly the sun shines. And bows out blazing. Like showing a new way and disappearing. Giving a hint of what can be. The sun at least threw a blinding light on the web I am caught in. I realise I am holding onto a tangled web which doesn’t lead anywhere. The web of past!
Past relations, past memories, past dreams. I realise everything changed. I did. So did my friends, my relations, my dreams, my hope. Everyone/everything grows and changes, metamorphoses into the present. And keeps changing. Why then hold onto the past and what ifs. This web leads nowhere. It dawns on me that if I just let go of the past, forget about the future and hold onto the ‘now’, just ‘now,’ I might be a better person, even a happier one.
It irritates me that I find no one who can mentor me in new direction. Yet another realisation. No one can paint my vision, my dreams for me. Correction! Only one person can. Me! I can. I have that power. Then why not use it?
I turn around, turn my back to the past and face forward. I hope there is another picture there which reflects the present and hints the future. Consternation! It’s a BLANK CANVAS….